Perfectly Imperfect

NICK

I loved him since the day he was brought home from the hospital, My grandmother was holding him in her arms, I was 7 years old. He was my little world at one point. My grandma always told me to watch out for him. I took him wherever I went, If you saw me, you saw Nick. My friends would get irritated and tell me to go take my little brother home because he was years younger and could not keep up with the older kids. If my brother had to leave then I left too. I taught him how to read, I taught him how to write, I taught him how to count, I walked him to and from school everyday and I clothed him and watched over him always. I took all of my childhood into taking care of my litle brother. My grandma became very sick and was put in a nursing home. Her boyfriend Larry watched over Nick and myself, I was 14 years old. It all happened so fast one weekend spent with my dads side of the family and the next minute my fathers mother was taking custody of me. I cried and cried and told them that I couldn't leave Nick, I was told to always be there for him and I couldn't leave my grandma who was sick in the nursing home, I was forced to leave the only family I knew. I didn't even get a chance to say bye to my brother. My life honestly got torn into pieces after that. Nick never knew what exactly was going on and neither did I. I felt horrible, I blamed myself for leaving him, I constantly cried and wanted to see him, I wanted to go back to my life. Finally several months after I was forced to move to my fathers side of the family I got to see my brother for the first time. I could already tell he was angry at me and upset I left him. My grandma on my dads side made some phone calls and arranged for my little brother to be taken out of the hands of the man Larry who was my grandma regina's boyfriend. I honestly thought he would be in better hands with his dad's side of the family so his grandma Betty took him in and took custody of him. That was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. Nick turned cold and mean and angry. Larry fled back to where he was from and left my grandma Regina in the nursing home. I went on taking all the blame of leaving my brother and was angry at myself and was constantly told by my grandma on my dads side it wasn't my fault. I went on trying to be a normal teenager and getting involved with sports and activities with school and made new friends but I always felt guilty, I always felt bad for everything. I was told, always watch over my little brother and to take care of him and I feel I failed my Grandma. The last time I saw my Grandma was very hard for me. She was in ICU and was on a tube that went down her throat and had a bad staff infection. I had to put on full protective gown to even go in the room with my grandma. I walked in and she looked at me, She couldn't talk because of the tube and I asked her do you know who I am? She shook her head no. I told her its Allie and her eyes lit up. That was the last time I saw her. She died shortly after. I felt like my world was destroyed and I was not the same person after that. I acted out. I drank alcohol,I got tattoo's, I smoked pot and I had sex for the first time, I was 17 years old when she passed. I tried getting back in with nick at that point in time. I figured I was old enough now to start making my own decisions. Nick saw me drunk and smoking pot, I looked like a fool and I wasn't being the best role model older sister. I started getting into fights with people, causing drama, I was angry at the world and I didn't care. I hated my mom but loved her at the same time for what she left her kids with. I hated her for how she left my grandma, I hated her for how she treated her, I hated her for leaving me with all this responsibility as a kid that my grandma couldn't do because she was sick. I became suicidal acting, I cut my wrists and wrote horrible poems about death and felt the world was against me. I was mad at everybody and everything. I even hated myself. Then something snapped in my head, I was driving down the road my car was on E, I had bad tags and no insurance and I was living with an ex boyfriend to have a place to stay on the south side of st. pete when I realized, What am I doing? Who am I becoming? I don't want to be like my parents, so I made the choice to join the military! I was 19 years old. Nick already had this image of who I was in his head. He looked at me as a fuck up and a mistake. He didn't like me and he didn't want to be around me. I figured joining the military would change that and he would respect me and grow to love me again. I figured when I finished I could take him in and do the custody papers myself. Until then I did not want to leave Nick with his horrible grandmother on his dads side, so I begged his cousin Kenny to take him in temporarly while I was gone and that I would send him money to help. After much begging, he said yes. I sent kenny $500 out of every paycheck I recieved from the Army. I sent Nick cards, and clothes and money every 1st and the 15th of the entire 10 months I was in the Army. When I came home on leave once I started questioning where the money was that I was sending Nick, Kenny had a brand new tread mill, and brand new tv and computer in his apartment while nick had socks that were too small and socks and underwear that had holes in them and not even enough clothes to last a school year. When I asked kenny about it he started acting hostile towards me. I finally found out that hardly if any of the money I was sending to nick was not actually going to nick. I was discharged from the Army in Jan 2010, I was 20 years old.. Kenny agreed to let me move in after I got out of the army but of course with a cost. $300 a month to live in his apt, not including food and not includig my own room or area for my stuff or rides to help me find my own place to stay. I finally realized..Rip off and I moved in with some friends in a apartment where we split the rent evenly between the four of us and it was actually fair. Kenny went on saying how I was a crappy person, telling nick horrible things about me and spreading lies about me. Nick and I were bonding for the first time in years and everytime we did kenny would get involved, saying how I was a bad sister and how I never helped nick with anything. There had been moments on and off where kenny would act fake to me and pretend to be nice to me but it was always for a price, Always! I was awarded several months later with disability from the VA. I went to doctors appointments and they did xrays on my leg and showed signs I was stil hurt. I talked to a councelor about my problems and what had been going on in the last 20 years with my mom and other problems. I moved out of the roomate situation and got my own apartment. I met a wonderful guy and started learning how to live on my own and doing things as an adult. I no longer drink, I no longer smoke and well I fell in love with tattoo's so I guess there will be more in the future. Nick still blames me for a lot of things, Nick nor kenny or any of the people that don't like me do not feel I deserve anything I have today. Nick hates me now but I hope one day he realizes how much I truly did care about him and now I think its time to let him go. I am 21 years old.